Sometimes when I reflect
back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then
I look into the glass and think about the workers
in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I
say to myself, "It is better that I drink this
beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver."
-- Jack Handy |
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day.
-- Frank Sinatra |
Always do sober what
you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to
keep your mouth shut.-Ernest
Hemingway |
Time is never wasted when you're
wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella |
Reality is an illusion that occurs
due to lack of alcohol.
-- Anonymous |
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse
to pursue the one activity
that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat,
hairy girls.
-- Norm Simpson |
What contemptible scoundrel has
stolen the cork to my lunch?
-- W.C. Fields |
When I read about the evils of
drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Don Drum |
Life is a waste of time, time is
a waste of life, so get wasted all
of the time and have the time of your life.
-- Don Rodden |
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in
a case. Coincidence?
-- Rick Joseph - always was
good at math |
When we drink, we get drunk. When
we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep,
we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to
heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Shiloh |
Without question, the greatest
invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh,
I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry |
Why is American beer served cold?
So you can distinguish it from urine.
-- Brian Henessey |
I would kill everyone in this
room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer.
-- Homer Simpson |
Not all chemicals are bad. Without
chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example,
there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient
in beer.
-- Dave Barry |
All right, brain, I don't like
you and you don't like me - so let's just do this
and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
-- Homer Simpson |
The problem with some people is
that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
-- William Butler Yeats |
An intelligent man is sometimes
forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-- Rick Janelle |
Abstainer: a weak person who yields
to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-- Ambrose Bierce |
A woman drove me to drink and I
didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-- Rick Joseph
|
I'd rather have a bottle in front
of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
-- Tom Waits |
You can't be a real country unless
you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you
have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear
weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
-- Frank Zappa |
Always remember that I have taken
more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of
me-- Winston Churchill |
Beer is proof that God loves us
and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin |
If you ever reach total enlightenment
while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out
your nose.
-- Deep Thought, Jack Handy |
The problem with the world is that
everyone is a few drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart |
Give me a woman who loves beer
and I will conquer the world.
-- Kaiser Wilhelm |
| A friend is having
trouble with his system. |
| Last year he upgraded
to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which
he'd used for years without trouble. However, apparently
there are conflicts between these two systems, the
only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with
the sound turned off. But
to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible
with several other applications, such as Lads
Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0. Successive
versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend
3.0 has many bugs and left a virus in his system,
forcing him to shut down completely for several
weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend
2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover
when these two systems detected each other they
caused severe damage to all his hardware.
Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancee 1.0
only to discover to his dismay that this system
requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0.
However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available
resources it does come
bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000.
But imagine my friendsdisappointment though on
discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly
tomaintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically
stored in Wife 1.0 Hardrive and can not be deleted
- they then re-surface months later. Wife1.0 also
has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E- mail
Porn Filter. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs
PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip and no option on theHelp
menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS
the fault himself. The system footprint needs
updating regularly requiring Shoeshop browser
Pro for new attachments - Hairstyle express needs
to be reinstalled every week. It also refused
some of the new Games and attachments he wanted
to try, stating they are an illegal operation.
When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0
it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife
1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law,
which can ' t be turned off.
Recently he's been tempted to
try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could beproblems.
If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2000,
it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing
itself. |
| Subject: BEER TROUBLESHOOTING |
SYMPTOM:
Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being
held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass
so that open end points toward ceiling. |
SYMPTOM: Beer
unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone
to buy you another beer. |
SYMPTOM:
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen
over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself
leashed to bar. |
SYMPTOM: Mouth
contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen
forward.
ACTION: See above.
|
SYMPTOM:
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:
Mouth not open, or glass applied
to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
|
SYMPTOM:
Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking
through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone
to buy you another beer. |
SYMPTOM:
Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being
carried out.
ACTION: Find out if
you are being taken to another bar. |
SYMPTOM:
Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home
address with bartender. |
SYMPTOM:
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption
has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
|
SYMPTOM:
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing
on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody
cushy-looking. |
SYMPTOM: Beer
is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water.
Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him. |
SYMPTOM:
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been
in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to
everyone you see, just in case it was them.
|
SYMPTOM:
Don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered
into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they
have free beer. |
SYMPTOM:
Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is
too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer
until your voice improves. |
SYMPTOM:
Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just
right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
|
|
